there are a lot of warnings out there about what purging does to your body. i thought if i followed a purge with lots of water, if i drank a lot while i ate so it came up easier, that i could avoid such side effects. no such luck. i wasn't doing it for long before my throat began to be sore 24/7 and i was getting heartburn even when i hadn't purged in a while. throwing your body's digestive system into rewind on a constant basis is brutal and throws your stomach acid into constant reflux. not fun. i decided to lay off the purging around new years to give my oesoephaecus a rest.
a friend of mine had found out about what i had been doing about a month before. here's a tip - if you don't want your friends to find out - don't get drunk and spill the beans! oh yes, i had gone out with my mate on the town and apparently told her everything. i do not remember and was totally caught off guard the next morning when she went to me "so about you throwing up all your food, what's that about?" freeze frame. holy crap. i tried to filter as much as possible to make it seem that i was telling her all. what i told her was that i HAD been doing that but had stopped because my throat was getting real sore and was happy with the weight i had reached and no longer was trying to lose any weight. i'd say she took my 'truth' with a grain of salt as she was (and still is) constantly watching me from then on.
well so anyway around new years i had decided to lay off it for a while. easier said than done. once your body is accustomed to chucking everything it consumes - it doesn't stop wanting to just cause you do. everything i ate, no matter how small, became nausea inducing. well not quite nausea but the vomit reflex was pushing hard. it wasn't long before i was back to doing it again.
about half way through january my best mate came back to town for a visit (she goes to a tertiary place elsewhere) and i found out that my other mate had informed her of my 'situation'. again i promised i wasn't doing it anymore. from then more of my friends found out and tried to talk to me about it. i wanted to scream at them to leave me alone. i continued to try to convince them i was better and not doing it. some took the bait and left the topic be. but my first friend who found out was still monitoring me. she could tell i was still losing weight and therefore never let the subject drop. i think she thought if she annoyed me enough i'd stop just to shut her up.
around march that year i slowly began to cut down my purging. replacing it with restricting what i ate as much as possible.
this is pretty much where i'm at now:
i have lost about 20kg, but i'm not underweight says BMI (a fact i use to argue with my friends that i'm not too thin). i mostly restrict, but occasionally i binge and purge. i am trying to lose more weight, but have had to slow down recently because my parents have begun to notice the weight loss more and i don't want them to know about my ED.
also the impending summer months mean i can't rely on extra clothes to hide any weight loss.
so i'm sort of trying to more maintain where i'm at for now, but still can't stop myself trying to lose, due to the fear if i don't i will gain.
oh the fun.
anyhow that's as much as i can rattle off at the mo.
blog ya later.
xoxo
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