part two

there are a lot of warnings out there about what purging does to your body. i thought if i followed a purge with lots of water, if i drank a lot while i ate so it came up easier, that i could avoid such side effects. no such luck. i wasn't doing it for long before my throat began to be sore 24/7 and i was getting heartburn even when i hadn't purged in a while. throwing your body's digestive system into rewind on a constant basis is brutal and throws your stomach acid into constant reflux. not fun. i decided to lay off the purging around new years to give my oesoephaecus a rest.
a friend of mine had found out about what i had been doing about a month before. here's a tip - if you don't want your friends to find out - don't get drunk and spill the beans! oh yes, i had gone out with my mate on the town and apparently told her everything. i do not remember and was totally caught off guard the next morning when she went to me "so about you throwing up all your food, what's that about?" freeze frame. holy crap. i tried to filter as much as possible to make it seem that i was telling her all. what i told her was that i HAD been doing that but had stopped because my throat was getting real sore and was happy with the weight i had reached and no longer was trying to lose any weight. i'd say she took my 'truth' with a grain of salt as she was (and still is) constantly watching me from then on.
well so anyway around new years i had decided to lay off it for a while. easier said than done. once your body is accustomed to chucking everything it consumes - it doesn't stop wanting to just cause you do. everything i ate, no matter how small, became nausea inducing. well not quite nausea but the vomit reflex was pushing hard. it wasn't long before i was back to doing it again.
about half way through january my best mate came back to town for a visit (she goes to a tertiary place elsewhere) and i found out that my other mate had informed her of my 'situation'. again i promised i wasn't doing it anymore. from then more of my friends found out and tried to talk to me about it. i wanted to scream at them to leave me alone. i continued to try to convince them i was better and not doing it. some took the bait and left the topic be. but my first friend who found out was still monitoring me. she could tell i was still losing weight and therefore never let the subject drop. i think she thought if she annoyed me enough i'd stop just to shut her up.
around march that year i slowly began to cut down my purging. replacing it with restricting what i ate as much as possible.
this is pretty much where i'm at now:
i have lost about 20kg, but i'm not underweight says BMI (a fact i use to argue with my friends that i'm not too thin). i mostly restrict, but occasionally i binge and purge. i am trying to lose more weight, but have had to slow down recently because my parents have begun to notice the weight loss more and i don't want them to know about my ED.
also the impending summer months mean i can't rely on extra clothes to hide any weight loss.
so i'm sort of trying to more maintain where i'm at for now, but still can't stop myself trying to lose, due to the fear if i don't i will gain.
oh the fun.
anyhow that's as much as i can rattle off at the mo.
blog ya later.
xoxo

my story part one

ok so my title is a little less than creative. oh well. so a little history of my ed. i have to say i'm relatively green in the world of ed, mine started a year ago. i had been gaining weight for quite sometime and one day i looked in the mirror and was utterly discusted. i decided then and there to do something about it. i set out to do the normal dieting scheme, exercise and healthier food. not a lot was really happening. it seems like a bit of a sudden jump but i decided to do a cleanse out - laxative styles. over the course of 2 weeks i went through a large bottle of the things, and still not a lot was happening. i knew that simply trying to burn off anything i ate or getting it out of me asap wasn't going to get the weight i wanted off. i stopped taking the laxatives when i saw the tv special super skinny me. the doc told her that they don't stop you consuming the calories so they do a hell of a lot more harm than good. i decided to try to kick my will power into gear and eat as little as possible without being noticed. this worked as long as i wasn't at home with my family or hanging out with my friends. finally i started to see some results. i also began to have a smaller appetite which was awesome, as it was my appetite which had gotten me to the eww factor stage in the first place. as my appetite decreased i started to become very put off by any food. this is when i began to experience feeling sick after a large meal, which i had to eat every evening at home. i don't remember the first time i purged, but it was like it set off a light bulb. i didn't have to actually eat anything, i could just purge after any meal. for a while i got away with it. one night after i had purged my mother came in to see me, she asked if i had just been sick. i put on my confused face and told her i hadn't. she looked at me a while, she said it smelt as if someone had been sick in the toilet, i continued my confused look, told her i hadn't been sick and i had no idea why it would smell like that. after looking at me a while longer she left and i knew i could never do it at home again, not if i wanted my ed to stay a secret. instead of doing it at home i began taking bike rides after tea and i would go to a local park and use the restrooms there.
have to go now, next part will be in soon!

first ever post

hey!
so i've not blogged before so if i ramble i apoligise!
i have created this blog as a place for me to talk about what life is like when one has an eating disorder.
i won't neccesarily be always blogging about that particular topic, but it will be the main theme.
at the moment i don't have time for a full length blog but will try to get one done asap.
so for now i will preview my next blog. in it i will explain a bit more about my ED situation and what i'm like in general. this is going to be an anonymous blog as i very rarely if not hardly ever talk to anyone about this which is why i decided to make this page. i have no intention of people i know actually knowing about all the things i intend to share here.
that would entail way too much drama.
well i have to go.
till next time,
duenneristbesser xoxo